You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize