she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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