That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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