my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
