His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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