So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
