Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
