GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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