can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
