My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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