Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
