My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
They took my balls.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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