at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
