I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize