well I can't set my house on fire every night
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize