Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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