I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
