i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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