i think my tv is drunk
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize