i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
