Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
