I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
