i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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