i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
i've created a new STD.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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