we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
pop tarts are not kleenex
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize