Where did you get a picture of my penis
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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