Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
