the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
