I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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