what day is it and did you see me today?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
