I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
