it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
