it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
That was before I lit my hair on fire
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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