May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
