Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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