he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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