i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
