Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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