and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
