Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
please don't ironically join a cult
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
