sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
