im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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