i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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