If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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