I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
