Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
