god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The air was thick with penises
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
