How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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