The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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