i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
So squirting runs in the family.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
