perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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