I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
