I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
