guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
