You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize