My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
