You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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