I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
