every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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