I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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