Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
