Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
