Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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