I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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