Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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