Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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